Whittling Away at reasons for being here

This week I learned that a partner I work with is getting married and moving to NYC. Last night I had a premonition that today came true. I wonder if the fiancee is brave or foolish in their decision? Today I asked this same question of myself when I realized that the other two partners in our building will likely want to sell this place within two years. Was I brave or foolish to invest my resources with them? Sources say it was a combination of both seasoned with a taint of desperation.

I was tired of developers running the show so certainly would have avoided this project if I had known this would happen. I thought I was investing in creative independence and studio longevity with two other artists who wanted the same. Nope. Just the real estate. Its all about the money.

Again, the money. Again. I've been trying to understand the detachment I've felt growing inside me for the past month. Am I looking for reasons to leave this place or has the Universe been trying to tell me something I haven't been ready to hear? I don't think Mr. DD and I can deal with another studio move. We thought we'd made my last one but when this happens I think it will be time to get rid of everything. Art, materials, furniture. Is there another documentary in the works?

At least I know not to spend another dollar on the space there. I met with a contractor last week regarding summer projects. Now I am sorry I wasted both of our time.

I am trying to look at the bright side (lessons learned and all that) but I feel like I should have learned this one already. I am not a kid who has the time to repeat dumb mistakes. I just read about the latest batch of university grads whose personal lives are being easily "reviewed" in Myspace.com and Friendster after they've applied for jobs and internships... talk about bad decisions! With parents like mine one thing I grew up knowing was that knowledge is providence however it is gained. My mother would find my diary, read it and then tell all my friends' moms what we had been up to and encourage them to read their own daughters diary's. Then she would make up a less telling source for her information. She should have worked for the C.I.A. THEN they would ground me not for doing whatever I shoudn't have been doing but for lying about it. But, hey - that's another story.

Its tough keeping my sense of humor these days and embracing the irony of it all. I don't know how those cajuns do it.

June 2005